We never forget the people who showed up when we are navigating the heartache of losing a loved one.
Many of us want to be a good friend but often feel immobilized by not knowing what to do or say when we see someone we care about it in pain. So we created a list of 9 ways to be there for a friend when they need us the most.
Don’t try to make it better.
When someone dies, whatever the circumstances, it is painful. It just is. There is no making it better. Trying to minimize the loss only makes the griever feel misunderstood. It’s okay to say, “This is awful.” Definitely avoid saying things like, “Everything happens for a reason,” or “Be grateful for the time you had together”.
Be willing to witness pain.
It is not comfortable to witness anguish we cannot wipe away, but a willingness to be a companion during the most painful parts of life is the only thing that softens them at all. Let your friend feel what they feel when they are with you.
Don’t take it personally.
It’s a common idea that grief is mostly sadness. While grievers are often very sad, they may also experience mental confusion, physical pain, exhaustion, anxiety, insomnia, or rage. They may express anger and use sharp words or they may forget important dates or they may miss plans because it’s too difficult to get out of bed. Be understanding.
Grief doesn’t end with the funeral.
When a loved one dies, even if the death is expected, it’s a shock. It’s difficult to make sense of a world without our person. Sometimes that shock can last for weeks, making the griever seem “fine.” When the initial numbness shifts, it’s often long after the funeral, when most people have moved on. Be there for your friend, then. And keep being there.
Understand that grief lasts as long as it lasts.
The grieving process is different for everyone. The waves of heavy sorrow will ebb and flow. There will be gentler minutes, hours, and days for your friend, and there will be crashing ones. The first years are hardest, as it takes time to integrate profound loss. We don’t miss a person less, the longer they are gone, but we gradually come to accept that this is how it is.
Offer to do ordinary things.
Grief is hard work and makes the everyday stuff so much more difficult. Instead of saying, “Is there anything you need,” offer to do something specific, like taking out the garbage, walking the dog, or dropping off groceries, and then make that your thing for six weeks or three months or longer if you can manage.
Say their name.
Grievers never “forget” their person has died so you don’t need to worry you’re going to bring up something they aren’t already thinking about. Talk about the person who has died. But follow the griever’s lead. If they don’t want to continue the conversation, let it be. It’s enough that you’ve let them know that you’re not afraid to talk about the person who has died. When they are ready, they will remember.
Make note of special days.
The “year of firsts” can be especially difficult. Check in on your friend on their loved one’s birthday (you can usually find that in the obituary if you don’t already know it) and the anniversary of their death, and other holidays they would have celebrated together. On your friend’s birthday, keep in mind they will be missing the person who won’t be calling them too so it’s a bitter-sweet day.
Listen.
They may want to tell you the same story over and over. Listen and be present in whatever way you can. Your friend won’t remember all the details of this time, but they will remember that you were there.