I rolled my tongue gently along the roof of my mouth, feeling the tender spots while sucking on a popsicle. Trying to calculate days until my next chemo, hoping I would be well enough to enjoy Thanksgiving dinner. Although that was decades ago, that year left a permanent imprint, as I kept trying to keep life up as before. I drank eggnog shakes, decorated the tree, mustered up a smile for my parents, thanking them for the new wig that was my Christmas present that year.
The reason I am writing to you about this today, some 30 years after my cancer experience, is that I've met so many other teens/young adults like me who tried their best to be in the holiday spirit. I've compiled a list of [tips] my younger self wished she had for those who wanted to help but didn't know how to ask.
Please treat me the same. I'm sick but not invisible. Please don't leave me out of party invites or assume I don't want to celebrate or have fun because I may be too tired or not feeling well. Ask me out. If I'm not up to it, I will tell you.
Bring holiday cheer. Sometimes I don't want to think about my cancer. Don't be afraid to share with me what you've been up to or drop by to hang out, listen to some music, watch a movie, etc.
Make a point to reach out say hello. The holidays are a busy time for everyone, but it can be hard for me if I am too tired to get out of the house and participate. Even if I don't say it out loud, it means the world to have someone just listen, without advice-giving or platitudes. The biggest gift you can give me is being there. You may not know what to say, and that's ok. You can share that with me too. Texts, photos, calls. Keep them coming. I'll never tell you it's too much. Hugs in person would be even better.
Help me with things and do things with me. I can online shop, but having someone help me wrap my presents or run to pick up something at the mall would be amazing. I might not be able to get the tree down from the attic, but if you helped, we could decorate it together and spend bonus quality time. If I have a treatment scheduled, offer to come with me.
Bring Holiday to me. If you are in the gifting mood, festive pajamas, sweaters, sweatpants, soft socks, perfect for times I barely have any energy to get out of bed, but still like to look festive with everyone else. Bring anything with a holiday feel and help decorate my room- I spend a lot of time in there, and I'd love to jazz it up. A good book, new playlist, movie suggestions on Netflix, always appreciated as well.
Refill my joy. Respect I may not be as filled with holiday cheer 24/7 because I might have some other things I am going through. Allow for sadness and grief to the surface as it's a part of my grieving process. Grieving for what I was once able to be and do. Know that I am showing up with the joy that I have. Help me remember the things that bring me happiness. Acknowledging and validating goes along way.
Joy heals. All-year-round. May this list inspire you to come up with your own creative version of holiday cheer for someone you love.